I have not poured my heart out about this circumstance yet because I couldn’t find the words to write and putting it down in the blog makes it seem all the more real. Andy and I left NC and academy work to pursue a dream of a different life. He went back to school to update some prerequisites that were supposed to make him eligible for the Physical Therapy program. We knew there were alot of applicants for the program but we stepped out in faith hoping and praying that we would get in and that this year of limbo would not be wasted. We are living on student loans and the charity of relatives. We have downsized in a way I never thought we could. It’s amazing what your real priorities are when you are suddenly deprived of the life to which you have become accustomed.
Now we are being stretched again. Andy was not one of the %10 of applicants that got into the program this year. I mean, 400 applicants for 35 spots makes the chances of getting in slim to none. That was a big blow to me. I had prayed for this to happen for us. Now we are stuck here without jobs, without a plan, without a path or goal. I don’t mind telling you that I spent some time crying about this. It was devastating. I can’t even imagine what Andy was feeling like when he got the news. My saint husband, the rock, the ever patient man. He’s so amazing. He just told me as though it were a slight bump in the road. He’s planning to finish his classes this semester and then… I don’t know. He’s got questions to ask and a game plan in his own head that I don’t understand. I know it entails trying again because he never gives up. This is what he wants to do. I trust him.
However, this leaves us with a blank slate of opportunity and possibility in front of us for the next year. There are so many things that could happen and not a small one is that I could have the opportunity to go back to work. Now, Andy is not above being a stay at home dad but that’s not what he would like to be doing. If I got a job, most likely, he would end up working as well (which he will anyway because that’s what he does) and we would need childcare. So the question is, should I look for a job knowing full well that it may lead to my kids being in some kind of childcare or should I continue being the best stay at home mom I know how and let the cards (money) fall where they may?
I do not enjoy the idea of childcare. I had these kids and I want to raise them. I have no relatives close enough that could do the job. I don’t know if getting a job would be worth putting them in childcare anyway. A good daycare is expensive and we have not one but TWO kids that need to be taken care of. I’m just not sure how this will all pan out. I’m telling you all this not to elicit sympathy or anything but just to say that, I KNOW there are other moms out there in my situation. There are other people who had babies and thought there was never a chance that their kids would out of their sight for one second until they were 18 and moved out of the house to college.
There is a certain sense of guilt that I won’t be the one raising my kids but then… there is a certain sense of excitement that there may be something out there that God has planned that I don’t know about yet. What is it? What is the great plan? How will my faith be stretched this time? What will I learn? How will my life and experience be better after this?