Stretched Again

I have not poured my heart out about this circumstance  yet because I couldn’t find the words to write and putting it down in the blog makes it seem all the more real. Andy and I left NC and academy work to pursue a dream of a different life. He went back to school to update some prerequisites that were supposed to make him eligible for the Physical Therapy program. We knew there were alot of applicants for the program but we stepped out in faith hoping and praying that we would get in and that this year of limbo would not be wasted. We are living on student loans and the charity of relatives. We have downsized in a way I never thought we could. It’s amazing what your real priorities are when you are suddenly deprived of the life to which you have become accustomed.

Now we are being stretched again. Andy was not one of the %10 of applicants that got into the program this year. I mean, 400 applicants for 35 spots makes the chances of getting in slim to none. That was a big blow to me. I had prayed for this to happen for us. Now we are stuck here without jobs, without a plan, without a path or goal. I don’t mind telling you that I spent some time crying about this. It was devastating. I can’t even imagine what Andy was feeling like when he got the news. My saint husband, the rock, the ever patient man. He’s so amazing. He just told me as though it were a slight bump in the road. He’s planning to finish his classes this semester and then… I don’t know. He’s got questions to ask and a game plan in his own head that I don’t understand. I know it entails trying again because he never gives up. This is what he wants to do. I trust him.

However, this leaves us with a blank slate of opportunity and possibility in front of us for the next year. There are so many things that could happen and not a small one is that I could have the opportunity to go back to work. Now, Andy is not above being a stay at home dad but that’s not what he would like to be doing. If I got a job, most likely, he would end up working as well (which he will anyway because that’s what he does) and we would need childcare. So the question is, should I look for a job knowing full well that it may lead to my kids being in some kind of childcare or should I continue being the best stay at home mom I know how and let the cards (money) fall where they may?

I do not enjoy the idea of childcare. I had these kids and I want to raise them. I have no relatives close enough that could do the job. I don’t know if getting a job would be worth putting them in childcare anyway. A good daycare is expensive and we have not one but TWO kids that need to be taken care of. I’m just not sure how this will all pan out. I’m telling you all this not to elicit sympathy or anything but just to say that, I KNOW there are other moms out there in my situation. There are other people who had babies and thought there was never a chance that their kids would out of their sight for one second until they were 18 and moved out of the house to college.

There is a certain sense of guilt that I won’t be the one raising my kids but then… there is a certain sense of excitement that there may be something out there that God has planned that I don’t know about yet. What is it? What is the great plan? How will my faith be stretched this time? What will I learn? How will my life and experience be better after this?

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Stretched Again

  1. Kelly

    So sorry to hear you guys are going through a rough time, I don’t know what this particular situation feels like but I can totally empathize with feeling like you aren’t sure how much more “stuff” you can take….? Thats us lately too. Praying things turn out for the best!

  2. Jen Gallagher

    Hey Callie~
    I know what you mean about searching for a new path. My husband and I dont have kids but life is rough, we do want kids sooner than later, but we have a lot to work out. I graduated from SAU with a Associates degree in General Studies. I could never find anything that really stuck out to me, as being the “perfect job” for me. My husband had a job in TN but when I graduated I couldnt find a job. So after 3 months a searching, and wonderful love from my parents, we moved back in with them, yes thats right we lived with them when we first got married and now we are back. Talk about a blow to your self-esteem. Anywho, this Fall I start back to school to finish getting my Radiology Tech. degree and my husband (Bruce) will be going back to finish his nursing. Right now it seems so far out of reach, a career, wanting to have children, and ready to be out on our own again. I know that it is just temporary and really its only about a year and a half that we must say this course. I continue to talk with God about it and prayerfully ask him to guide both Bruce and I. I will pray for you and your small family too! Keep your chin up and remember what the wise prophet Jeremiah said “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans you give you HOPE and a FUTURE!!!

    🙂 Smile its Contagious!

  3. Pingback: My God Loves Me | A New Kind of Normal

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