GUILTY

I have been pronounced guilty. At least, that’s how I feel as a mother more and more. It’s hard not to get bogged down in the guilt that can so easily come with motherhood.

Guilt that I’m not the wife I used to be when Andy and I first got married. I don’t work out as often as i need to. I don’t eat exactly how I should. That perfect body (and yes, I look back and realize that although I have always had a far from perfect body, I’d take that one back in a heart beat) is long gone and I don’t have the energy to do as much dating as we used to.

Guilt that I am not the perfect mother to the girls. That mother who makes perfectly balanced meals, keeps a clean house, never lets them watch television, has them potty trained at exactly 2 years old and reading at 3. I don’t do play dates on a regular basis, I don’t take them out the park often enough. I hate snow and all that come with it. Really, I hate anything cold which includes most water sports and MUD… usually.

Guilt that I don’t do what I should for the family. I don’t have a job that pays. I try and treat being a stay at home mom like a job but I’m not “on it” all the time. I’m just tired! I’m sick and tired of the whining and I’m tired of changing diapers and wiping buts and cleaning up the same mess over and over and never keeping it clean for more than 30 seconds. I’m just not as happy as those moms on TV who are going about their cleaning with smiles and satisfied looks at the end.

But what I DO like about me is that I am working towards being a more positive person. I know that kinda goes against this post but I’m looking for the good in every situation. I’m involved in my community and church. I love my kids and they get fed and cleaned up and their dentist says their teeth are GREAT! I’m proud that my husband is who he is and I’m always ready to show off the beauty of my children.

I might be guilty of not being perfect. I’m totally guilty as charged when called a human being.

Aren’t we all?

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One response to “GUILTY

  1. Alisha

    Yes, we are. I have lots of guilt, too. But I’m learning that who I am as a person– my personality and temperament– make some of those things you mentioned not easy or natural for me. I’m trying to give myself a break in those areas, since they require “unnatural” effort. You can feel extra proud of yourself when you do accomplish some of them, but know that when you don’t, you aren’t a failure. You’re just placing expectations upon yourself– the YOU that God created you to be– that aren’t practical. I do it all the time, too. But my therapist, bless her ever-living heart, just shakes her head when I tell her how hard I am on myself for not keeping to routines and schedules and perfect ideals. “That is just not YOU, Alisha. It’s not in your wiring.” I am so relieved when she explains to me the positives of my wiring. That there are things about my personality that make me a GREAT mother, in my own ways. There are things about you, Callie, that make you a WONDERFUL mother, including the fact that you would do ANYTHING to be perfect for those girls. Just believe that the DESIRE to do and be anything and everything to them is a huge, enormous, incredible thing, then give yourself a break and grasp onto and perfect the things that make YOU– the YOU that God created you to be– an EXCEPTIONAL mother! Might take some research into your personality and temperament to truly discover what those are, but it would be such a relief on you. No matter what, your kids LOVE you! Amazingly, they’ll remember many more good things than you think they will. I love YOU, Callie!

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